This is going to be a little story time. You know, one of those things you usually watch on Youtube, but this time you’ll be reading it. Not a novel but not a little joke either. Anyway, let me start by describing myself a little bit.
Regarding sexuality, I don’t really like labels. But when my mom and dad would come across a Jewish family with a Jewish son and get all excited and say “Talk to him! He seems so nice! You guys should go out and have fun!” That’s when I can start saying that I would describe myself as bisexual yet homoromantic.
Calm down. There are way more terms than that, and luckily for all of you reading this you can look all of them online and learn what they mean and gain a lot of knowledge from it! The internet is great! To start off, most people know that being bisexual means that means being attracted to two or more genders. Homoromantic means being romantically attracted to the same gender, which is kind of weird for me to say, being the fact that I also identify as genderqueer not fully identifying as a girl, but that is for a whole other post. To sum things up, I find all genders sexually attractive, but I sincerely cannot see myself in a romantic relationship with a guy. Yet, who knows if a certain someone will change my mind.
Here’s another thing about me: I hook up with people and I date.
Some people are like “Oof! I cannot just hook up with people, I would get too attached! Emotions would get in the way for me! I can ONLY date.” Or the other way around, where it’s like, “Ummmm, I can’t really do this, commitment is not my thing at all. I kind of only like hooking up with people.” For me, depending on where I am in life right now, I could do either. And right now, I am just looking to have fun. Just a fuck buddy. And guess what?? I did. Here’s how it went down.
Last summer was rough for me. My parents were gone on a road trip, my sister was having issues, my dog was sick, a lot was going on. Yet I had one thing keeping me going. I had been taking photos of this band, and it had been making my life so much better and fulfilling my passion as a photographer. I also had my eyes on the drummer. Let’s call him Drummer Boy since I want to be nice and not expose him.
Drummer Boy was always very nice and would give me rides home after their shows and we would facetime and talk about merch and promo ideas and how to really get their music out there. The more they posted my tagged photos on their Instagram, the more attention they would get for their music. It was a win-win.
It was a Sunday night and I was talking to my younger sister about the situation.
“I don’t know what to do! I’m not sure if he likes me! But I like him, so do I just ask if he wants to hang out? Do I just text him and say ‘hey, what’s up’?” And instantly my sister grabbed my phone, and texted him,
“Hey, are you free tonight?”
Drummer Boy- “Yeah, why what’s up?”
“Just hanging around on this Sunday night with not much to do. You wanna come over?”
Drummer Boy- “Sure. Do you wanna watch a TV show or something?”
“DO YOU WANT TO WATCH A TV SHOW OR SOMETHING?”
*Um, hello, NETFLIX AND CHILL ALERT*
“Sounds like a good time” And my sister sent a WINKY FACE.
Drummer Boy- “Okay I’ll be over in 30”
My sister handed me back my phone, “There ya go, you’re all set.”
“MARLENA, OH MY GOD!”
“JO GO UPSTAIRS SHAVE YOUR LEGS GET DRESSED IN SOMETHING SEXY BUT CASUAL HURRY!”
So that’s how everything started.
And it was great! Super fun! Eventually, I let Drummer Boy tell his friends in the band, and they would playfully tease me and we’d laugh about it. So after a set, Drummer Boy and I would drive back to my house, have some fun, hang out for a few minutes after, and he’d leave pretty late.
I told my really good friend (I’ll call her Friend Y) about Drummer Boy and how cute he is and how good the sex is. I told Friend Y that she should meet him and come with me to the BTS shoot for their music video. After all three of us went back to her house and he showed her the TV show he showed me when he came over and we had In n Out and ice cream and talked. It was really nice.
Drummer Boy was never so good at texting. I didn’t know if he wanted to continue all the fun we were having, and I was trying to send him a few hints here and there with snapchats, but nothing was really working. I was going to see him at one of his shows just for fun but then realized that it was going to be way too far for me to get there. After I told him, two hours later he sent a snapchat of him shirtless saying, “I can give you a ride”. I showed my best friend I was with at the time and I was freaking out.
When I was in the car with him on the way to the bar, I wanted to just be blunt and ask him, so I did.
“Hey, so I’m not sure if you want to or not but do you want to continue doing stuff or no?”
“Eh, no, not really. But you’re really cool to hang out with.”
Listen, I just needed a fucking answer. As I said, at the time I was looking for a fuck buddy. To be specific, a consistent fuck buddy. I wouldn’t shame them for not wanting to have sex. But hello? After a shirtless pic? BOY, WHAT YOU DOIN? I mean, at least I got my answer so I could move on.
While we were at the bar I was rockin’ out to their music along with a couple other of their friends who came to support them, and I took a few photos even though they ended up looking like trash.
After the show, one of the guys in the band asked, “So, you and ____, are you going to go back to your place and have a good time?” He winked.
“Nope, he doesn’t want to.” I rolled my eyes.
“What? That’s crazy.”
The other guy in the band asked, “So, you two… y’know..?”
“Nope,” I said.
“GO ASK HIM!”
“Jo, listen,” said one of them, “Just say, ‘you should come over’. It’ll work. I promise. It’s Drummer Boy. He’ll say yes.”
“I’m going to be really embarrassed if this doesn’t work,” I said.
After having fun at the gig, Drummer Boy and I hopped in his red truck and he drove me back home. On the way to get gas, he started talking about my friend. The friend he met. Friend Y.
“Isn’t Friend Y so hot?” he said.
I could feel my body getting hot and my stomach dropping. He continued to talk to me about how he liked her ass, and how pretty she is, and how cute she is.
This was the whole way back. My house was twenty minutes away from the venue.
I could hear my self-hatred talking to my heart,
“you are worthless”
“you are disgusting”
“you are fat”
The voices in my head didn’t stop until he pressed the breaks at the curb from my house. I quickly opened the door and jumped out of his old shitty truck.
“Wait!” He opened his arms for a hug. And even though I didn’t want to, I hugged him and said thank you for the ride.
I eventually talked to Friend Y about this, and she was not happy. I also told her about how I felt unattractive to men because the majority are attracted to curvy women with long hair, and she just didn’t understand that. She even called me out saying I was blaming her for my issues.
Later in the summer, I became severely depressed because of family issues and eventually decided to go see a therapist. Yet we didn’t just talk about family things, we brought up all different types of topics. So when we started talking about dating, and the guys I have been intimate with, she would reply to some with,
“He shouldn’t have done that to you.”
When we talked about Drummer Boy, she said the same, and her eyes scrunched up.
“Jo, he shouldn’t have done that to you.”
“It was just a misunderstanding! Just some miscommunication!”
Talking about Drummer Boy was the longest conversation out of the bunch, and it was to the point where the person in front of me had to look me in the eyes and say,
“Jo, you are normalizing something that shouldn’t be happening to you.”
A tear fled down my cheek while looking into her eyes and it fell dead silent except for the ticking of the clock.
“Time is up now. I’m sorry,” she said.
When I got home I realized that everything about what Drummer Boy had done to me two of those nights was completely wrong. It didn’t matter if we both initiated it. He still took advantage of me during everything. He still hurt me and did things I didn’t want to do and didn’t stop when I said no.
And maybe I was used to the cycle because of all of the others before him. Maybe I just didn’t know any other way to have sex with a man other than to get hurt. From the very beginning, rape is what I was taught to deal with. Or should I say, “miscommunication”?
I didn’t want Friend Y to have anything to do with Drummer Boy from here on out. She was my friend, and before anything else happened I needed to tell her. When I did this was her response,
“Well okay, is that really rape?”
Friend Y was out of the equation.
To this day, I wonder what my life would have looked like if my sex life started differently with different people. I don’t want to be another person hating and blaming all men, or generalize them in a sense where all of them are bad human beings because I have deep-rooted trust issues. That’s not who I am. But I will share my story because normalizing sexual assault and keeping our mouths shut will just keep the victims in the dark longer. And who knows, maybe I’ll find someone who treats me right.
Maybe this rejection from Drummer Boy was a blessing in disguise.