a journal entry. (an emotional one)

I’ve never done one of these before.

Just typing it all out.

I usually write in my journal but now I just want to put it on here… who knows who will read it. Probably nobody.

But I know that writing will make me feel better about everything.  Hopefully.

The semester is almost over and even though most of the time I feel relieved, I also feel sad.  And stressed.  And lonely.

It has almost been a year since my ex and I broke up.  Amazing, right?  I feel like I made such progress in my life.  With my identity, with dating, identifying issues, everything.  Toxicity gone.

I remember the day I broke up with her.  I was with my really good friend.  I cried so much and she was there for me, and I was there for her when she was going through her break up.  Soon enough, she was swiping left and right on tinder and bumble and found another magical guy…  so magical that I started to not see my friend for months.

One day I finally confronted her about why she hasn’t been talking to me.

She finally told me.

It was a long text, but to sum it up, here it goes,

“Jo, I truly can’t be a good enough friend to you, which breaks my heart because I have cherished the past three years we have been friends.  I was there when ____ sent you this text, and now I am doing the exact same thing and I am so sorry for being a crappy friend.”

You know how people tell you over the years that they have lost friends?  See, I know I am not alone here when I write about this, but I am here to tell you that my situation is without the ‘s’.  I have lost A friend.  And it felt like multiple, because frankly, I don’t have many in the first place.

I had just gotten over my ex, and now another person gone?  I’ve had so many people ghost me, but I guess this year is just so tough because it’s not like high school where you can hop around friend groups and make new friends.

I know what you’re going to ask me.  “Jo, what about at school?  What about at Pierce?”  See, I honestly spend so much time focusing in class this semester than making friends… and unfortunately, some people just don’t like my weird personality.

Sometimes I feel like I’m in high school all over again dealing with some of the students in my class.  Girls in my argument and debate class don’t really seem too fond of me I guess.  Mock me all you want, Tease my style and hand gestures and personality, I’m twenty one and a grown up, I can handle it.  It’s just a little annoying at times, y’know?  So instead I just focus on the school stuff.  The studying, the lectures, the books, fun stuff.  At least school is a good distraction for me.

So right now, I have my best friend who lives right down the street from me, one in New York, one in Missouri, and one in Santa Cruz.

I have had one small interaction with my friend from Missouri.  She’s in finals week.  We don’t talk much anymore, but I hope we catch up soon.

My friend from New York just came home.  We text, and I always forget the time difference between California and New York, but he’s a night owl so it’s okay.  Hopefully I see him soon.

My friend in Santa Cruz is super special to me.  We facetime constantly and text a LOT.  I miss her so much.  Once I get to SOU our breaks won’t really match up… but we will figure something out.

And then there is my best friend…. you know who she is.

Her birthday is soon.  June 1st.  I’m going to do everything I can to make it super duper special.  She has done so much for me and been there for me through thick and thin.

I do feel very blessed.  But these days I feel so lonely.  I feel like I can’t reach out to people, and if I do, it will annoy the shit out of them.  Am I too weak or too sensitive or too sad to be a friend right now?  Did the people who leave my life not want to be friends with me think I was too depressing to hang out with?  Am I not fun to interact with?

I need to stop second guessing myself.

I wish Marlena was here.  When my friends are back in California I usually feel a little bit better, but even now I feel like a burden.  I texted one of my friends SO MUCH yesterday.  She didn’t even answer probably because I was so fucking annoying… but not EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME JESUS CHRIST UGHHHHH. I want my friends to be happy.  I want my family to be happy.

Oh right.  Family.

Even though my mom only wants to talk about my epilepsy and school, and she misgendered me on Facebook, I really do love her.  We both have our different points of views but I’ll always think she is one of the strongest women on earth.  I need to figure out what to get her for Mother’s Day.

And my dad, well, I would say we have a better relationship.  I’m glad we’re going to Oregon together again.  I don’t think he will stress me out with classes when I sign up for registration.  He seems to fix everything that is wrong with the family no matter what happens.  He’s like a super hero.

And Marlena, darling Marlena… I wish she were here right now.  We are going to have so much fun this summer.  Hopefully nobody steals anyone’s clothes, but hey, on the plus side she’s going to be driving the Doodle Mobile!!!  I miss her so much.

As for Alianna, I wish we were best friends again.  I wish I could come into her room and hang out with her and just talk.  We don’t fight, but we aren’t… clicking.  I want to be friends again.  I remember having so much fun with her during the summer of 2016 when we went to Hawaii together.  I don’t want stealing, or lies, or any of that bullshit.  I want another friend.  A permanent one.

In general I want more friends.  Or maybe I just want my friends to not leave me.  I want them to be there for me and I want to be there for them.  I don’t want to be afraid to support anymore, but I also sometimes want my friends to be the ones who send me the first text.

I have 5 more months here.  5 more months in California.  I want to do everything I can for my family and friends before I leave.  Hopefully they love me as much as I love them.

I don’t think I made a mistake when those people decided to leave my life.  But I am not lying when I say that I am feeling lonelier than ever, so maybe trying to give back more and more will make me feel better.

I need to feel better.  I need to.

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